12 Signs a Clinic is a Sales Funnel, Not a Medical Practice.
Use this checklist to audit any longevity clinic or functional medicine practice before you hand over your credit card.
Read the full list below
Legitimate medicine relies on transparency. Grifts rely on confusion.
Preventive medicine is a high-ticket investment. It is easy to get dazzled by luxury interiors, cold plunges, and charismatic influencers. But when you strip away the branding, is the medicine sound? Is the pricing fair? Do you actually own your data?
We curated this list after auditing the marketing and operational practices of hundreds of clinics. If you see more than 3 of these flags, pause. If you see more than 5, run.
Category 1: The Money Traps
The "Call for Pricing" Black Box
The website lists no prices. When you call, they won't give you a straight answer without booking a "consultation."
This is a sales tactic to gauge your net worth and pressure you into a high-ticket membership.
A legitimate clinic should be able to send you a PDF of their fee schedule or membership tiers upon request.
The "Forever" Membership (With No Exit Ramp)
They require a 12-month commitment paid upfront with no trial period and no refund clause if you move or dislike the care.
Confident clinics sell you on results, not lock-ins.
Look for clinics that offer an initial "Assessment Phase" (paid separately) before requiring a long-term marriage.
The "White Label" Supplement Upsell
The doctor insists you take their branded supplements because "store brands don't work."
Most clinic-branded supplements are white-labeled from the same mass manufacturers. This is a revenue stream, often marked up 300%.
A good clinician recommends molecules and dosages, not just their own inventory.
Category 2: The Science vs. The Hype
The "Proprietary Protocol"
They claim to use a "secret" IV blend, peptide stack, or method that no one else has.
In science, "secret" usually means "unproven." Real medicine is published, peer-reviewed, and replicable.
They should tell you exactly what is in the IV bag or the syringe. If they won't, run.
The "Biological Age" Guarantee
"We guarantee we will reverse your biological age by 10 years."
Biological age clocks (GrimAge, DunedinPACE) are useful metrics, but they are volatile. Marketing them as a guaranteed outcome is statistically dishonest.
They should promise to measure and manage your biomarkers, not sell you a time machine.
The "Scattergun" Testing Panel
They order $5,000 worth of obscure tests (heavy metals, mold, Lyme, exotic gut maps) on day one without asking about your symptoms.
This creates "false positives" and anxiety, which makes you easier to sell treatments to.
Testing should be hypothesis-driven or based on validated screening guidelines (like ApoB, HbA1c, CAC), not a fishing expedition.
Category 3: Data & Transparency
The Data Hostage Situation
You can view your lab results in their app, but you cannot download the raw PDF or CSV files.
If you can't take your data to another doctor, you don't own your health; you are renting it from them.
Total data portability. It is your blood; it is your data.
The Ghost Medical Director
The website lists a famous MD as the "founder," but you are treated exclusively by a health coach or a junior nurse practitioner with no oversight.
You are paying MD prices for non-MD care.
Clarity on exactly who is reviewing your labs and making clinical decisions.
Fear-Based Marketing
"If you don't do this therapy, you are a ticking time bomb."
Preventive medicine is about empowerment. Sales is about fear.
A clinician who explains risks in percentages and probabilities, not absolute terror.
Category 4: The Operational Red Flags
No Outcome Tracking
You pay for a 6-month program, but there is no scheduled re-testing to see if the interventions actually worked.
If they aren't measuring, they are guessing.
A clear schedule: Baseline Test -> Intervention -> Re-Test.
The "One-Size-Fits-All" IV Lounge
The waiting room is full of people getting the exact same "Longevity Drip."
This is a spa, not a clinic. Personalized medicine means everyone's protocol looks different.
Customized treatment based on your individual biomarkers and health goals.
Trustpilot/Google Review Washing
500 reviews, all 5 stars, all generic ("Great vibe!"), mostly from people who only visited once.
They are gaming the system. Look for 3-star reviews that discuss billing or medical depth.
Authentic reviews that discuss specific medical outcomes and value for money.
This checklist takes 10 hours to verify.
To verify these flags yourself, you need to navigate complex phone trees, demand pricing in writing, cross-reference medical credentials, and analyze sample lab reports for data portability.
You can do it yourself using our tools, or you can hire us to do it for you.
The DIY Route
Download the Clinic Vetting Kit. Includes this checklist (PDF), call scripts, pricing email templates, and a comparison spreadsheet to track your research.
Download the KitThe Concierge Route
We do the work. We vet the market in your city, call the clinics, audit their transparency, and deliver a verified Shortlist Report in 3-5 days.
Request a ShortlistNote: This list represents "Red Flags" for transparency and consumer protection. The presence of a flag does not necessarily mean malpractice, but it does indicate a lack of alignment with Novostead's Verification Standards.